So far my knowledge regarding this relationship is by reading Dr. Sigmund Freud. But in the year 2015 I got a book named "Conscious Girlfriend" written by Dr. Schwartz. I read this and got impressed about her findings.
And hence, I decided to share those findings about this relationship here with you.
Dr. Schwartz co-founded Conscious Girlfriend in 2013. A writer, healer, and teacher for over three decades, Schwartz has a Ph.D. in Transpersonal Psychology and studied relationship coaching with world-renowned experts.
She knows her stuff and was kind enough to share her wisdom with "Golvin Olanga".
Here I present the excerpts of that interview .
GO: What are some of the most common mistakes you see lesbian couples making? Both at the start of a relationship or in a more established one?
Dr. Schwartz: At the start, committing too quickly. During the first few months, and often for up to a year, most people in new relationships go into limerence, a fancy name for “the honeymoon phase.” If you feel stoned on love, it’s because you are! During this period, our brains pump out huge quantities of endogenous opiates, our bodies’ own version of cocaine or heroin. And the effects of limerence (which is the state of being infatuated or obsessed with another person) seem to be particularly strong in female-female couples. In more established relationships, lesbians tend to make the same mistakes couples of all genders and orientations make. A couple of the most common are:
Getting into painful cycles caused by differing attachment styles. This can mean one person is constantly pushing for more closeness, while the other is constantly trying to get more space.
This leads to so much pain, and sometimes to breakups which wouldn’t have to happen if people gained more understanding of their own and their partner’s attachment style.
Voicing dissatisfactions as criticism rather than as requests. Criticism is like battery acid for a relationship; it kills intimacy.
And since the brain registers negative interactions with five times more intensity than positive interactions, even if your relationship is good in many ways, criticism will endanger it.
Of course, the solution isn’t to “put up or shut up,” but to learn more effective communication skills, so that complaints can actually become opportunities to draw closer, rather than pushing you apart.
GO: Do you think all couples would benefit from couples counselling/therapy or only those with relationship struggles/issues?
Dr. Schwartz: If there are couples who have no relationship struggles or issues, I haven’t met them yet! Seriously, relationships take skills, and very few of us have had the opportunity to learn those skills. It’s really important to find a truly effective couples' counsellor, therapist or coach, though.
Many unwittingly cause more harm, rather than helping. I’d suggest finding someone trained in EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy), or other attachment work—or working with a coach who focuses on helping you build specific, implementable skills for working with your own emotions and communicating in constructive ways.
Also, because for many of us, having a great sex life is a powerful form of glue, I also suggest that couples get help from sex coaches if their bedroom life isn’t optimal.
GO: What advice do you have for a couple who may be struggling with their relationship?
Dr. Schwartz: Get help. Fast! See the above suggestions for choosing a couples counsellor or coach. Sometimes breaking up is inevitable, when limerence has truly led women into relationships that are wrong for them. But in many cases, having a skilled, compassionate third party’s help can make all the
GO: Do you have any advice for a young couple who have hopes/dreams of a healthy, long-term relationship together?
Dr. Schwartz: Actually, my advice is for couples of any age who dream of a healthy long-term relationship! (I’ve seen women over 80 get together with all the passion of a younger couple—and I’ve also seen their hopes get dashed.)
It’s this: go slowly. Truly get to know each other, beyond all the hopes, dreams, fantasies, limerence, lust, and projection. Know yourself, too. Know your must-haves and deal-breakers, and have or develop the skills to flex on most everything else. Take a course like Conscious Girlfriend’s Roadmap class, a 12-week comprehensive online course in dating and love designed specifically for lesbians, or get those same skills elsewhere. Don’t make the mistake of thinking that “love conquers all.” Love, in itself, is not enough for a healthy, happy relationship. And real love takes time to build. Yet, use your hopes and dreams as fuel for the longer journey.
A long-term happy relationship is one of the best predictors of health and well-being for most of us. It’s worth the effort!